Mar. 19th, 2012

innocent_man: (lingling)
Clash of the Titans is a remake of the 1981 film, but saying that feels kind of wrong. The original Clash of the Titans diverged from mythology on a number of points (not the least of which was including the "kraken," which isn't a Greek creature), but the film at least felt like a Greek myth. The people knew their position in subservience to the gods, and they behaved like characters in a Greek myth, rather than whiny milennials in a modern action movie.

As you can probably already tell, I wasn't so much a fan.

OK. So, Perseus is adopted, as a baby, by Pete Postlethwaite (his mother, Danae, gets to lie there and be dead in her floating fridge - this is going to be an ongoing issue). He grows up being watched by Io, who, in this version, gets off with a curse of immortality rather than being turned into a cow (being watched by an immortal cow would have been a nicely surreal twist, though). Perseus, as an adult, gets to watch his family drown because people from Argos tear down a statue of Zeus and Hades swarms down to fuck 'em up, and he sinks the Postlethwaite family ship, because what the hell.

Cut to Olympus, Land of the Sparkly Gods, only three of whom can speak while on camera (that'd be Zeus, Hades and Apollo - oh, Poseidon has a line, too, but no goddesses). Hell, in the opening monologue which bastardizes early Greek creation myths, Hera and Hestia aren't even mentioned. It's just the three god-brothers. What the shit.

Anyway, people aren't praying anymore, probably because the gods are rapist dickbags. Hades says, "Let me kill a bunch of them," and Zeus says, "yeah, OK, that'll work." But of course if Hades is doing all the god-shit, then Hades gets the love, and once his kraken wipes out Argos, he'll take Zeus' throne! Oh noes! Because the death-god makes the best villain! Oy.

So Hades demands the sacrifice of Andromeda, and Perseus undertakes his quest not to save the girl, but to weaken Hades enough to kill him (because the kraken is part of Hades or some stupid shit).

By the time the fucking Djinn show up, we've ridden so far off the rails that it's not even a story I recognize anymore. And yet it still manages enough homage to the original movie - and to its source material - that I wasn't able to quite see it as its own story. Unlike the original, it added in a cadre of Argos soldiers, each with a name and personality (as well as the Djinn, whose every line could have been subtitled "I AM MADE OF WOOD!" and it would have improved things greatly), whose only function is for various beasties to kill off.

So, to recap: We've taken a somewhat complex story about gods meddling with people for their own reasons, and made it about simple revenge and hubris (because in Greek myth, that's what it's called when you defy the gods), fridged most, if not all, of the women, red-shirted most of the supporting cast, and then at the end, Zeus (perhaps figuring, "fuck it, if I'm already deus I might as well ex machina") resurrects Io for Perseus. That's right, he wants nothing to do with Andromeda. But she's in the sequel, I note.

MAN WHAT.

My grade: D
Rewatch value: Maybe if I was drinking, but I own better action movies.

Next up: Crank, speaking of which

Points, weight. )

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