Jul. 25th, 2012

innocent_man: (peekaboo)
The Beastmaster is a movie that I can't believe I'd never seen. It came out in 1982, meaning it would have been available on video when I was in high school, so why the hell did Mike and I never rent this? It has breasts, swordplay and vaguely geek-esque violence. It would have been totally up our collective alley.

OK, so in brief, Dar (Mark Singer) is the chosen one, destined from pre-birth to kill the evil high priest Maax (Rip Torn, in a role I hope he looks upon with wistful fondness). The witches with hot bodies and ugly, latexed faces steal him from his mother's womb and put him into a cow (no, seriously first 10 minutes of the movie), and as he's about to be sacrificed he is saved by Ben Hammer (that's the actor; he's just credited as "Young Dar's father"), the most hardcore farmer ever.

Dar grows up to be a badass like his adopted dad, and for no reason that is ever explained, he can speak with animals and see through their eyes. The Jun hordes come for his village, and his uber-dog saves his life (but dies in the process). He teams up with a golden eagle, two ferrets and a motherfucking tiger to get revenge! And a girl! And...there's John Amos in bondage gear and his sidekick, Naked Boy!

Seriously, this movie is fucked up. It's so 80s it hurts. Dar is a little more date-rapey than I'd like when he meets Girlfriend (Tanya Roberts, aka Sheena), and the movie plays a little too fast-and-loose with children's lives for my comfort, but it also has some badass-ness going on. And honestly, it's not really any worse a movie than Star Wars in terms of plot and dialog (though the effects are obviously wanting), so it's fun to imagine a parallel universe where Don Coscarelli is George Lucas, Mark Singer is Mark Hamil, Tanya Roberts is Carrie Fisher and a couple of ferrets are the droids. Oh, and a either Chewbacca or Han Solo is the motherfucking tiger.

My grade: B
Rewatch value: Higher than I'd like to admit

Next up: Don't Look in the Basement!

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